084 - Definitive Answers to Hypothetical Questions

Is anyone else totally over reality?

Here’s what’s happening on 70,000 second dates right now, at Italian restaurants all across NYC.

He’s just spent an hour describing the ins and outs of his shitty job which he hates. He’s even read a few email threads to her verbatim. Now she’s explaining her shitty job, while pulling up every picture of her cat ever taken and holding it to his face until he says, ‘awww cute.’

They’re miserable but they’re both white-knuckling through it anyway. That’s because they’re terminally lonely and have the self-esteem of perforated ladles.

Eventually there’s an awkward silence. Before the settling cringe ferments into ‘the ick’ they run the last play in the playbook: hypotheticals. Hypotheticals are low hanging fruit for low brow individuals to sustain low-octane dinner conversation.

…

Hypotheticals are also my favorite. I think about them all the time and always lead with them on dates. I am the patron saint of ‘what might be if things weren’t at all how they currently are.’ Some of my favorites include…

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

The ability to win friends and influence people.*

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Set up a no-limits creative collective for wayward souls (perverts, miscreants, brigands, orphans, pickle ball players, and the insane).

Which 5 people from history would you like to have over for a dinner party?

I wrote a post about this one. See here.

What one movie would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?

Blue Crush.

What would be your last meal if you were on death row?

I wrote a post about this one too. I told you. I love hypotheticals. See here.

What would you do if you had a time machine?  

Ok this is where the post takes a turn. I have a lot of thoughts here so best if we just make this section of the post ‘part 2.’

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084 - Definitive Answers to Hypothetical Questions, Pt. 2

My time traveling game show.

If I had a time machine, I would use it create programming for a television network that airs period piece games shows, forced reality dramas, and challenge-based gimmick-driven television to thrill modern viewers.

Here is a list of shows I would produce with the help of my time machine (and endless cash, and some other technological advancements currently beyond comprehension but critically necessary).

1. We gave this Medieval blacksmith 400 million dollars! The catch is, he lives 5 days from the closest town and only has 1 week to spend it! That much money is sure to attract a lot of attention, suspicion, and inquiry. Let’s see what he does! Did we mention his wagon is broken! We’re calling it “Middle Age Crisis.”

2. We gave Jesus’s disciples Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, KFC Double Downs, and a Smashups Extreme Sour assortment of Warheads candy. How will they handle it? And will Jesus’s watery wine still seem like a miracle after all this?

3. We gave a Mesopotamian warrior a Billy Bass. Will the object get him killed or revered? Will it make him rich and powerful or start a tribal blood feud? Tune in and find out on, “Don’t Worry, Be Billy.”

4. We’re going to make John Milton watch every episode of Friends before he goes blind (before it causes it lol), and then make Ludwig van Beethoven listen to every Imagine Dragons song before he goes deaf. AND THEN let’s see what happens when we put them on a double date with the Olsen twins. We’re calling it “Mind F**k.”

5. We’re going back to the dawn of man. These neanderthals haven’t figured out how to use tools yet but they’re about to have the time of their lives at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. They’re getting fast passes and unlimited Dole Whip BUT NOT tickets to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, because that’s Universal Studios. We’re calling it “Skipping 100,000-Year Lines.”

6. We’re going to make Leo Tolstoy read his masterwork, War and Peace, as a teenager and then take it away, disappear, and see how it messes with little Leo. Will he still grow up to write it? If he does, is it technically a sequel? Is he even sure that it really happened? Yes, because we send him a Christmas card every single year. We’re calling it “Mind F**k” since the other show of that name was cancelled after just 9 episodes.

7. We gave lab-strength LSD to the knights templars during their 4 A.M. matins. Time to see God for real, brethren. We’re calling it “Trippin’ in the Rain” because you gotta feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in.

8. We’re sneaking into Henry David Thoreau’s cabin at Walden Pond while he’s out and renovating it to provide Henry with all the creature comforts of modern society. We put in all new appliances, including a mini fridge, an air fryer and a Magic Bullet blender. We installed central heating and cooling (including heated the floors and towel rack). We put in Fresh Direct orders to be delivered daily, right to his door. We also got him a flat screen TV with NFL Red Zone. His place is pimped. Let’s see him try to live deliberately now. We’re calling it “Party at Walden’s.”

9. We’re giving Joan of Arc a Boeing–Sikorsky RAH-66 Comanche war helicopter and the afternoon off. We’re calling it “Joan From Above.”

10. We’re headed to the home of Tom Hanks’s to give Chet Hanks $1,000,000 to spend on Bitcoin in July of 2010 (right before his 20^th birthday) when the price of Bitcoin was just $0.05. Then we’re telling him to hold all of it until March 13, 2024 in order to sell it at $73,083.50, making him the world’s first trillionaire at the age of 33. With almost one and a half trillion dollars, Chet can really do whatever he wants, and we get to watch that unfold live, today. We’re calling it “Chet’s World” because we’re just living in it.

*It turns out there’s a book that covers exactly this, it’s called The Art of the Deal.