098 - Transcript from the Intervention of Humpty Dumpty
In attendance: Humpty Dumpty, all the king’s horses, all the kings men, the king, the moderator, Humpty’s parents, myself, and Humpty’s on and off lover, Steve.
I arrived late and they were already underway.
Steve: You always do this!
Humpty: I don’t always DO anything.
Steve: No, you do! You fail to recognize that there is a serious and habitual problem, and you just–
Humpty: I fell one time!
Steve: You’ve been falling for years, Humpty.
Humpty: Oh, OK. So then why the hell’d you all wait until now to read me your stupid letters.
Steve: See, there it is right there. You bully people so they’ll give up on you. You won’t let anyone get close enough to help you.
Humpty: I don’t need help!
Steve: Close enough to care about you then, Jesus. I’m always walking on eggshells with you.
Humpty: I fucking AM eggshells, Steve, you gangly bag of meat. You upright flesh monkey.
Steve: Enough, Humpty! You’re blaming us for your mistake.
Humpty: I fell by accident.
Steve: Hmph.
Humpty: Really? OK. You want to know the real reason I fell apart? The reason I was completely shattered that day?
Steve: I’m listening.
Humpty: Because when I needed you most, you LEFT. You were my entire support system and you fucking left. So, yeah, when I happened to fall, BY ACCIDENT, no one was there to catch me. You were supposed to be there, Steve. You said you would never EVER leave me.
Steve: You fell because you were drunk, Humpty.
All The King’s Men: Gasp!
All The King’s Horses: Neigh!
King: I have far more important things to do than to listen to the two of you quarrel.
Humpty: Typical… just remove yourself right when things start to get messy.
King: Excuse you?
Humpty: Just go. Run back to your throne. Wash your hands of the whole fucking thing.
King: Hey, at least I TRIED to put you back together.
Humpty: You did nothing of the sort.
King: I sent the men AND the horses, you ungrateful oval.
Humpty: Yeah, some good they did.
King: Do you understand how many of this kingdom’s tax dollars I spent dispatching ALL my horses and ALL my men. We didn’t banquet for a month!
Humpty: Oh, so now I’m the bad guy for falling?
King: No, but a ‘thank you’ would be nice.
Humpty: Fuck you.
King: I won’t hear of this. That fall scrambled your brain, Humpty. It’s no wonder you can’t–
Moderator: Let’s try to use ‘I’ statements.
King: I… (sigh) I’m sorry for caring so much… for letting myself believe.
All The King’s Men: Long live the king!
King: No. I take that back. I shouldn’t have cared as much as I did. It’s clear to me now that you have always been a bad egg.
Steve: How can you say that, king? Humpty is a great man, and an unparalleled egg.
Humpty: You mean that?
All The King’s Horses: (various whinnies)
Steve: I do.
Mr. Dumpty (a bird): Humpty, I think you should come back home and stay with us for a while.
King: Who are you?
Mr. Dumpty (a bird): I’m his father
King: Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. I thought his parents would be eggs.
Mr. Dumpty (a bird): No, we’re birds.
Steve: That’s where eggs come from. Hah. Some king…
King: Alright, watch it Steve. This may be a safe space but let’s not get too comfortable. I’m still the king and I could have you ‘fall from a ledge’ anytime I please.
All The King’s Men: (gasp)
Humpty: No!
Steve: You didn’t!
Mrs. Dumpty (a bird): My baby boy! Cracked in the prime of his life… on purpose!
Moderator: One at a time, please.
Humpty: It was you! But why?
King: What do you mean ‘why?’ How dare you ask ‘why.’ You know perfectly well ‘why.’ It’s the very same reason there’s no queen in my castle. The same reason I loathe Steve.
Mrs. Dumpty (a bird): He probably scrambled the queen like he tried to scramble my baby!
Humpty: No mom, he’s in love with me
All The King’s Horses: No. Fucking. Way.
King: Yes way. I couldn’t bear to see what I’d done to you, so I couldn’t come myself, but believe me when I say I sent everyone in my kingdom to help. It’s why I brought them here again today. I felt awful; I FEEL awful. I love you, Humpty. I always have.
Steve: I love you too, Humpty.
Humpty’s Parents (birds): We love you, Humpty.
Moderator: See Humpty? Do you see how much everyone here loves you?
Humpy: Yes. Yes, I see that now. I think… I think I want to make things right. I think I need to put myself back together again. I realize now, I may be the only one who can.
All The King’s Horses: Hey, is there any more hay? We ate all the hay that was laid out on the snack table.
Moderator: Yeah, just wait a moment and I’ll get you some.
All The King’s Horses: I mean, is this how you usually run your meetings? You’re providing a service here. We ran through all the hay like 30 minutes ago.
Moderator: Well, we don’t usually have every horse in the realm in attendance.
All The King’s Horses: Why the hell not?
Moderator: Nothing personal, it’s just that not everyone who needs an intervention is friends with every single horse.
All The King’s Horses: You’d be surprised.
Moderator: OK, I’ll try to have more hay stocked up for next time.
All The King’s Horses: That’s all we’re asking. We’ll see you soon.
Humpty felt profound and tall.
He thought himself above us all.
And so, he sat, way up high,
Afraid to live, but loath to die.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
And all the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
And all the horses, and all the men,
Who sought to fix their ovoid friend,
Wept to see their efforts bring
Less than the love of Steve and king.
I fell out of my chair.
Poem++++!