A LITTLE BIT OF ABSOLUTE POWER

I am so back.

“Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Or so they say.

As an empathetic, generous, 6 ft, fun-loving person, and overall good guy, I assumed power would have no effect on me. Authority doesn’t interest me. I love my fellow man. I just got a cute haircut and I’m content with what I have.

However, this week I personally came to know that absolute power does corrupt, absolutely. And so does a very minor amount of power.

My boss is out of town this week and while she’s away at a conference it now falls to me to make approvals, offer high-level feedback, and sign off on creative executions.

Initially, I was annoyed at having more work to do. But that was before I got a taste of command, of sovereignty. Now I feel so fucking alive.

One minute someone is asking me what I think of an email subject line and the next minute I’m expediting shipping on a custom lapel pin for an ‘Interim Copy Manager.’ Someone else requests final approval on Slack and I’m deep-Googling:

what medieval weapon commands the most respect

how much does it cost to gild a medieval weapon

which medieval weapons are most workplace appropriate in NYC

how to watch porn at work

One work day later and I’m buying spurs and a sheriff’s badge. I don’t want to be a knight anymore, now I want to be a cowboy. And if I think of something cooler tomorrow, I’ll be that, because nothing can stop me until my boss gets back on Monday.

Until then, I’m thinking of doing a round of layoffs. I put performance reviews on coworkers’ calendars starting at 6 AM. I feel them bowing lower with every meeting they accept.

It’s been 48 hours.

I’m no longer washing my office mugs after using them. I’ve tactfully reallocated several desk chairs to my apartment. I’m trying to abolish the HR department.

For my efforts, I’ve submitted myself for seventeen promotions. I’m creating three-letter acronyms of authority that would bring a CEO to its knees and frighten GOD. I’ve also learned that HR is who handles promotions.

I am living unchecked. As a middle manager in the marketing department, I can’t decide if I should institute random drug tests or launch my own MK Ultra Office Experiment. …If coffee can increase productivity, imagine what military grade LSD and an audiobook of Atomic Habits (4x speed) could do.

In the off-hours, I get to watch leaders in government make similarly horrible, whimsical, ego-driven decisions with global implications. Am I really so different from them? I don’t see myself as someone who could insult world leaders, appoint conspiracy theorists to my cabinet, and then tank the economy. But maybe I could learn.

Maybe I could make everyone in my office submit a Muskian list of the top five things they accomplished last week. Maybe I could consider tariffs, or buy Greenland.

Until I decide, I’ll settle for lesser policy changes–everyone is required to say good morning to me and to let me tell them about my nighttime dreams. Also, everyone is required to like my haircut. Even though I barely cut any off, still, they must insist that it makes a huge difference and adds to my general office swagger, which they’ve always admired.

Is this corruption or am I taking revenge against a system that has paid me fairly for the work I’ve done and offered me bagels in the breakroom, but nothing more?

You decide. It was just this past Sunday that I was a nobody just like you, YOU who judges from below. Maybe you think you’re better than me, that you could ascend the seat of power and shower your subordinates with benevolence like a soft, Democratic rain.

Maybe.

Pray your manager never leaves you in charge long enough to find out.