The Speech I Wasn’t Able to Give at the DNC

There was a scheduling conflict and also a Harry Potter movie marathon on channel 44. But there’s a lot we can learn from this.

Hello democrats! This may feel a little out of left field because you don’t know me and I have no idea what I’m talking about - not now and not generally. I don’t watch TV, I don’t know current events, I don’t like music written after 1904, and I haven’t been paying attention to politics at all in the last four years. I couldn’t even tell you who any of the other speakers are. I really, really shouldn’t be here, but enough preface. Let’s get to it.

I see that you’re scared, or confused maybe. It’s difficult to tell from up here. But I am too. And I’m wondering now if it’s something we ate. I don’t like to point fingers, as people seem to do often in our polarized political climate, but maybe check with catering. That crudité seemed raw.

First and foremost, I’d like to spend a moment looking towards the future, the fast-approaching reckoning and the harbinger of the reaping we yearned for when we sowed. I cannot get more specific than that at this time, but you’d do well to ready yourself and also to help bring it about. The future is as glorious as it is vague. Tomorrow will be beautiful. Just don’t quote me on that.

I’m getting the flashing light which means I only have 5 more minutes, or that the snipers trained on me are getting the go-ahead. This feels unfair because the Obamas each got 20 minutes. Yet at the same time, it seems more than fair because I shouldn’t be here, and I really don’t have much else written down.

But I do have something. A story. And since I’m up here, I’ll share that story with you.

I have a cousin who was like a brother to me. His name is Hope Destiny McMetaphor. We’re not blood related. He was orphaned by his parents Monsanto Hollywood McMetaphor and BP Oil O’McDonalds when he was just a boy. He was born addicted to meth and TikTok. And he was my best friend.

As a boy he attended NeoNazi Prep to prove a point. And even though he was bullied for his liberal ideas, when it came to arguments over ‘democracy’ and ‘America’ he would never back down from a fight. He was beaten within an inch of his life every day for 12 years. Wow.

The lights are going again so I’ll speed this up.

Hope died this year on July 4^th after throwing his body in front of an errant firework headed for a group of orphans, whom, being an orphan himself, he felt pity for. Thanks to Hope Destiny McMetaphor’s selflessness, the orphans were completely unharmed save for an immense amount of trauma and mental scarring that comes with watching a man get blown to smithereens in front of you. Though it was hardly the first time they’d been forced to witness something like this.

As Hope’s blue blood splattered across the orphan’s darling faces, it came to spell out the word ‘freedom’ and below that ‘#KamalaHarrisForPresident2024.’ Wow.

I want you to think about that when you’re in the voting booths this November. How is that even possible? How is any of this even possible? How does anything work? Hope. Hope is how.

And for the sake of Hope and all he believed in: Democracy and America, both of which are at stake, you need to vote for Kamala Harris. With Kamala as president and tonight’s caterer fired or maybe jailed, all will be right with the world because all will be right with America.

Thank you and good night.

I’ll pass this along to whoever wants to go next. Oh it’s attached. Ok well the microphone is kind of hanging now because I yanked it a bit but tap tap tap, yeah it still works. Ok. Thank you. Stop it with the lights, I’m finished! Thank you. God Bless America. Thank you. I said that already, I know. I’m rambling but I’m just unsure as to where to go now. Oh, the way I came? Well why didn’t you say that? Now where’s that goddamn caterer, I’ve got a boot to shov—